MEDIUM ARTICLE REVIEW PART ONE (TIKTOK EDITION)
“An environment that swats any attempt to establish a sense of self-worth and labels you unreasonable for even daring is no place for romance".
An opening in my article that, when I first published it in 2024, I wouldn't have thought would lead to this blog post. |
| photo of Basani enjoying the morning sun on her face 😙 |
A Review & Expansion of "Power Dynamics: Romantic Power"
“An environment that swats any attempt to establish a sense of self-worth and labels you unreasonable for even daring is no place for romance.”This is the first line of my Medium article, “Power Dynamics: Romantic Power Part One.” When I first wrote it, it felt like a conclusion I had been fighting for years. In a previous video on TikTok, I shared a piece of my story—what it felt like to be a “hijacked soul growing in a human girl's body,” navigating a world that seemed determined to define me before I could define myself. Now, I want to justify that opening statement. Because this isn't just a dramatic hook; it's a critical analysis of the systems that make a genuine connection impossible.
I’d wager that most of us know the sting of this resistance. It’s the subtle (or not-so-subtle) pushback the moment you try to establish a boundary, to change the narrative of your own life. It’s not wanting to be called that silly childhood nickname anymore. It’s finally standing up to the bully who uses your vulnerabilities as ammunition. It’s distancing yourself from the ex who eroded your sense of self. But this happens because it's a "necessary evil" our society condones; people, and society at large, have a predetermined level of conformity they expect from you. You fit a narrative. You are digestible. You are knowable. And the moment you step outside that box—the moment you dare to want something better for yourself—you are met with a wall of confusion, dismissal, and outright hostility. The unspoken message is deafening:
“How can you want something good for yourself? It's not like you deserve it. You're not from the right family. You don't have the right material status for us to worship. You will never command respect from us, because that is not a position we are willing to grant you.”
This paints a vivid picture of a society that is actively antagonistic to your growth. Why? Because a person who knows their worth, who builds their own financial independence, and who crafts a credible reputation for themselves is a person who is harder to exploit. If you refuse to stay at the bottom of the food chain, you disrupt the entire predatory ecosystem. You become indigestible.
From my observation, that is exactly the type of environment engineered for anything other than romantic relationships. For me personally, it attempted to lull me into a slumber of conformity, to convince me that my validation can only be external and hierarchical, where the highest was male validation. The Personal is Political: Reclaiming a Self That Was Never Supposed to Be
Being labelled unreasonable for daring to establish my sense of self-worth vs defying manufactured odds to limit my autonomy.My own journey has been a long, painful, and triumphant fight to move away from the little girl who sought comfort, validation, and belonging from boys and the people around her. It has been a process of learning to trust myself, of refusing to navigate life in a foggy state of self-doubt. I refuse—and I encourage you to refuse—to let anyone disregard or dismiss that work. Those tears, those depressive episodes, those hard-fought victories are the bedrock of my identity. They will not be erased to fit someone else’s limited, convenient narrative.
1. You cannot Be Ambitious and keep a Man. This is a brutal, unwritten rule in many patriarchal systems, including the one I analyze for Black South African women. Your ambition is seen as a threat, not an asset. Your drive to build a life for yourself is interpreted as a challenge to his position, a distraction from your "duty" to him. Romance, in this context, requires your diminishment.2. The Exhausting Labor of Maintenance. In this environment, romance is not a partnership; it is a second, unpaid job. You must focus all your effort on the unguaranteed hope of "keeping a man." This is the ultimate expression of unguaranteed emotional labor. You are constantly managing his ego, suppressing your goals, and performing a version of femininity that is placating and non-threatening. It is a drain on your spirit with no guaranteed return on investment.3. The Demand for Conformity Over Selfhood. Ultimately, this system operates on a sinister propaganda: "never put yourself first." You are instructed to sacrifice your dreams, your boundaries, and your sense of self on the altar of a potential "reward"—a sliver of validation, a moment of conditional love. This reward is inconsistent, if it comes at all. But you are told to hang in there, because what alternative do you have? The system is designed to make you believe that acts of service for yourself—investing in your own growth and happiness—mean nothing compared to the fleeting reward of male approval. This is not romance; it is an extractive relationship masquerading as intimacy. It is a habitat where one person’s humanity is nurtured at the expense of another’s.
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