Medium Article Review Part Four (TikTok Edition)

Navigating the Web: The Norms of Deference and Endurance in Black South African Rural Women's Romantic Lives

Basani and Gavaza (mother), deep in the forest of Mbaula village (Limpopo, Giyani), taking a break after collecting firewood.

The Political Lens on Romantic Norms

In an attempt to answer a few questions in a previous video, I decided, in hindsight, that I should clarify what these so-called "norms" are that I keep talking about, so I did research to back my claims. It is also worth noting that this is a continuation of the previous blog post. I hope you're keeping up.

From this, the logical question to ask here is: What are the romantic norms that black South African women find themselves in?

Quite an obvious question, right? But I want to show the political aspect of this, so let’s go:

For black South African rural women, navigating a romantic relationship is less about a partnership between two individuals, and more about navigating a complex web of familial obligations, cultural expectations, and deeply entrenched power dynamics - where the woman’s success in this dynamic is often measured by her ability to conform to these norms.

Nothing new there, but here’s what I managed to pull out of the rabbit hole:

There was a second question that I initially thought would be independent from the first one, but research showed me that it's actually a follow-up question, and it reads as follows: “What is the consensus of the challenges black women face when navigating rural patriarchy?” Combine it with the first one and under Patriarchal Culture in Black Societies, now we have what I coined “Black South African Romantic Norms and the Corresponding Consensus of Rural Patriarchal Challenges" - and this simply means I’m gonna dissect romantic norms that black South African Rural women find themselves into, give laws that are repealed but created norms that create the challenges that women face, to justify why patriarchal culture in black societies is a system that has had a negative impact to the women residing in these societies to this date, and to also justify what these women are forced to live with and conform to, in order to navigate such environments.

The Twin Chains of Deference and Endurance

The Norm of Deference

Deference is a complex cultural practice for black people, and it encompasses respect and a set of behavioral protocols, for a black woman in the patriarchy (wife, mother, etc), this means demonstrating deference not only to the men in your life, but all men in the community, I know a couple of instances where men would go endhuneni to complain that such woman didn’t bow for him either in greeting, or simply by being graced by his presence in whatever setting. These are the patriarchal norms that affect black rural women, maybe not as outlandish nowadays, but it’s always the little instances where women are reminded of their “low rank” in patriarchal communities, which is most of them.

The power imbalance, since we’re talking about power, is that this norm codifies an imbalance, requiring women to suppress their opinions, desires, and personality to maintain harmony as “good women/wife material". This creates a constant internal negotiation between a woman's personal dignity and the cultural demand for public deference.

The norm of deference in romantic settings seeks to ensure that women are as restricted as possible, it might be hard to spot this because conformity is masked as “choice”, but once you choose to practice this norm, you fall deeper and deeper into the trap, there are a lot of goal posts (patriarchal norms) that you have to reach (conform), which can be shifted, further shrinking yourself, and restricting yourself from exploring anything else outside of pratriarchal conformity. The choice is that, well you chose it yourself, no one forced you.

The Norm of Endurance and Silence

Two statements: “Wa thinta abafazi wa thinta i mbokoto” and “N’wansati u khoma mukwana hi le vukarhini”. We can agree as a collective that these statements weren't compliments right, they were also not a mistake, as much as it seems empowering, we have to remember that patriarchy doesn’t like empowering women, let alone black women, so why was it that these two statements were “allowed” to see the light of day, and doesn’t it make you wonder why it got to a point where it was politicized? All I can say is that as much it as empowered women who were sick and tired of systemic and domestic abuse, it came as a detriment at a later stage, a stage where both forms of abuse had backed off and let the system do it’s thing, after “wa thinta abafazi wa thinta i mbokoto” nothing changed, gender based violence skyrocketed, women’s economic and social power, stagnated then plummeted, and women went ahead and grabbed a knife at the sharp edge, by staying in abusive marriages, by picking up the pieces after being abandoned, by being made single mothers and insulted for it.

The result is that women got socialized to practice endurance in a more romanticized version of the system of abuse they revolted against - they endure hardship, suffering, and injustice for the sake of preserving structures that serve everyone else except for them.

When we say most communities are borne of women’s silence, people start having problems, the thing is, if black rural women hadn’t been disenfranchised, most communities wouldn’t have peace, there would be outcry after outcry, but black women’s struggles have been put aside, archived, removed from the ears and eyes that need to hear and see them, just so the injustice done to women could continue.

It seems to me that the deeds of the no-good ass man result in punishment to the woman, make it make sense. Her silence is not for the family, marriage, or community peace; it’s to protect the man, simple. A lot of men in our societies live safely under the blanket of black women’s silence, enjoying perks like dignity, all because a woman ruins a “good thing” when she voices out her struggles.

The Reality of Navigating These Norms

If you come from a village, you know of those women who were infamous for hurling insults, laying dirty laundry in public style, they’d shout from morning till evening, without stopping. Some of those women were tired, you could tell that they weren’t just crashing out, that it's years and years of abuse taken in silence, think about it, and then we laughed and made fun of them, we’d say things like "she didn’t have to shout", why, because we’re so used to suffering in silence.

And then we come to the ones who conformed to this struggle, those who kept quiet, those who regarded the outspoken ones as “too much”, they weren’t repaid with less abuse, that’s for sure, but the outspoken ones, society knew better than to mess with them. So speak up, stand up for yourself, even when a situation is not that big of a deal, speak up, just so it doesn’t become a big deal.

The aim of my videos and the angle I’m taking is because abuse occurs mostly in romantic settings, and most of the time, women ignore the small things leading to the physical abuse. Women are verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused before they can be beaten and killed.

How Women Navigate These Environments

• There’s a barrier to address abuse: this norm is the single biggest cultural barrier to reporting domestic violence, infidelity, or emotional neglect. Speaking out is framed as selfishness or bringing shame to the family, i.e., men. We see black women young and old, lose hope in the law enforcement, they come to TikTok to talk about their grievances, of how the SAPS treat their sexual assault cases, how domestic violence is regarded as a “petty crime”, even the murder of a woman is not considered a crime worthy of much attention, they’ll attend to anything else except that a human life was cut short, what I’m saying might be an understatement but here’s a “punchline” if you will, how do you expect an institution that is filled with the same men that uphold these patriarchal norms to even hold a black women’s tears to any degree that demands justice? 

• There’s a social and spiritual pressure: in romantic instances, women are counseled by elder women to “endure” - the husband’s or partner’s behavior, the stigma of being a divorcee or single woman is a powerful silencer. We see this in our communities, but we’re desensitized to it, or can’t do anything to help either, but when someone like me comes on this platform and raise this awareness, it’s hard for young women to reconcile with it, because well as I said “black women’s struggles have been put aside, archived, and removed from the ears and eyes that need to hear and see them, just so the injustice done to women can continue”. Perhaps it might not happen to you, but being aware is also a tool that can work in your favor when you find yourself in a situation where you have to negotiate your freewill and freedoms as a black rural woman, because you will, patriarchy is also in our conversations, and conversation is where manipulation takes place. Internalized Strength and Suffering is often framed as a woman's strength, creating a tragic paradox where resilience is measured by a woman’s capacity to tolerate mistreatment, always remember their end game.

Politicizing the Challenges: Connecting Norms to Historical Laws

For both these norms to become “norms”, women were and are still expected to date/marry someone older than them, it's as if society requires you to be as infantile as possible to be tolerated, manipulated, abused, and used however way a man feels like. So remember that your preference for a romantic partner that is older than you is social conditioning that was borne out of laws that were meant to suppress you as a woman. If you still don’t get it, these norms are borne out of child marriages that the law and religion upheld.

And getting yourself into a romantic involvement with a married man, just for the sole reason that his wife is old, and you're hip and hooray, well, he's also not young, so where's the compliment?

The 1927 Black Administration Act and the 1891 Code of Native Law; these, among a web of colonial laws, created legal and economic conditions that made age-disparate relationships not just common, but often a matter of survival for black women.

Colonial authorities did not understand or respect the nuances of African customary marriage systems. So to impose order and control, they codified and distorted these systems into a single, rigid legal framework.

Recommended Research:

1. Dr. Julia C. Wells (her book, The History of Black Women’s Struggle against the Pass Laws in South Africa)

2. Dr. Penelope Andrews* (law, gender, and constitutionalism)

3. Dr. Tshidi Mamabolo (African customary law and gender)